Numb

Monday, to me, had been one of the hardest days so far on the course. Firstly with the presentations which turned out slightly better than I had first anticipated. I under shot the time limit but I don’t think it is of grave consequence this time. And but then came the stress that had been locked away behind the thoughts of presentation – Grades.

Although I passed I wasn’t sure how to react. Many people in the group took the grading differently; some positively and some negatively. If I am being honest with myself, I am not entirely happy with the given grade. This is not however, disappointment for being awarded an “Entry level” grade. I never aimed or anticipated anything higher. I just feel somewhat emotionless about the subject, numb.

If I had been rewarded a higher grade for this assignment I would have been more displeased, as I see the pass as being a push in the right direction, a stepping stone. If I had received a distinction at this early stage, the only way I could go for assignments hereafter is down.

I would also have felt some guilt in that some other members of the group didn’t achieve the grade they were expecting or wanting. I think this is the primary reason for the groups overall mood and awkwardness. The way I see it and how I have always worked is to not think about the grade until it has been handed in and “finished”, I will try on every piece of work I do to fulfil every piece of the basic and extended criteria to the best of my ability.

It is once the assignment is handed in the anxiety will kick in. I don’t build myself up to trap myself in a false sense of comfort. I simply think the worst in everything. I know it is a bland way to look at life, as most people who know me at length, or indeed who have only spent a short period of time observing me, that I have a very negative look on life and everything around me. As I always like to say – “Life is just a build up to death”. It is not just some immature comment I thought up, it is a philosophy, which I don’t quite understand yet. I guess what I am trying to say is if you are confident you will receive a high grade - take a distinction for example; if the worst should happen then there is further to fall. In my case I prepare for the worst and I cannot be as upset or disappointed. This is not to be seen as I wont try; I just don’t get my hopes up too high.

Tuesday was a strange day; I found out that I had produced my first assignment in first person. I was shocked. From what I interpreted from Steve this is one of the biggest places where I slipped up. That kind of thing even though school always tripped me up; I don’t fully know the difference between the two parties. This was also mixed into something, which I have taken as a complement so I am easy about it. I guess this is one thing I shall endeavour not to be a repeating any time soon.

Today I have been in a state of confusion with the first essay. I would have been able to conquer the task in a matter of minutes if it was just an opinionated response to the statement. To me art is design, we design art. And I know I am going to get a list of comments which make me regret posting this but I have spent five years being educated in the field of art and there is not that much difference in my opinion. Look around us everything we see has been design and almost everything started as an artistic view or idea.

The thing which is causing me to trip up is the illustration and comparisons of The Designers Republic. After spending the afternoon researching I have not found anything with specific relevance.

I think today is the only time I have ever been “stumped” by a written assignment. Usually after a few hours I can get on track and have the fist draft completed. This one is different; it is tripping me up. I have never produced a illustrated essay in which has such an effect on the outcome of my future, if I am being honest with myself I don’t think I have ever known the real meaning on an illustrated essay.